


combat baby, come back

by midnightroom



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: (kind of but also....not exactly), Character Study, Gen, Religion, Religious Guilt, Soul-Searching, this takes place when nat and steve stay over at sam's house in tws
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-27 12:37:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16219190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightroom/pseuds/midnightroom
Summary: If there really is a God out there, Natasha thinks one night, unstrapping the gun holster around her thigh to fix its clasp, He'd probably hate her.It's a sobering thought.





	combat baby, come back

**Author's Note:**

> nobody's gonna read this fic but....
> 
> i like considering the relationships superheroes have with religion and spirituality. how do they reconcile their lifestyles and actions with this stuff? how do they deal with their guilt? how do they justify the violence they sow as well as the violence they stop? i think it's really cool to explore.
> 
> also i adore natasha, and i wondered what her thoughts would be about the above. so, here's something i wrote in a limited amount of time and sleep-addled state. i hope you enjoy!

If there really is a God out there, Natasha thinks one night, unstrapping the gun holster around her thigh to fix its clasp, He'd probably hate her.

It's a sobering thought.

Being hated is not a new sensation for Natasha. There are many people out there who hate her, who'd want nothing more than for her to be dead, dark red blood blooming around her body like flower petals unfurling. People who want her to meet an end that's painful and drawn-out enough to serve as retribution for the countless people she's silenced over the years.

(No, Natasha thinks. Not silenced. That's the sort of talk they'd used in the Red Room, euphemisms that glided elegantly across the tongue, gold gilding over dark implications, gruesome promises. _The way you speak, the words you use,_ they'd said, _are just as much of a weapon as a revolver is. As much of a weapon as you are._ They'd trained her to speak to her advantage, just as they'd trained her in the techniques for hand-to-hand combat, the proper way to scan a person's body for concealed weapons, the right artery to slit before a target could even scream.

But Natasha's learned to be honest now—at least with herself, if not anyone else. She doesn't _silence_ people, whatever the K.G.B. and S.H.I.E.L.D have told her. Whatever they've told themselves.

Natasha doesn't silence people. She just kills them.)

So. She's used to be hated, to being despised, to being watched—even by her colleagues—with a mixture of reverent awe, wide-eyed fear, and pure, unbridled disgust. She's thick-skinned; she's got the healed scars to prove it.

The only issue here is this: her death would probably be vengeance enough for the people she's hurt, reparation enough for the lives she's left a dark, ugly stain on. Natasha thinks that's fair. But for God?

Even in death, she doesn't think He would forgive her for the things she's done. She is dirty in every sense of the word.

She thinks about this all night as she polishes the handles of her knives, wipes the insides of the barrels of her guns. When she runs out of weapons, she sits silently on her borrowed bed (too soft to sleep on), spine straight and body tilted toward the window in her room. Sam's backyard outside looks inky black; it's impossible to tell where it ends and where the sky begins.

She sits like that until her body grows stiff.

Just before the sun rises, just before dawn sends red streaking across the horizon like a bloody handprint, she sends out a silent apology to the heavens.

It doesn't make her feel any better, but if there's a God out there somewhere, Natasha hopes He hears it anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, i hope it was decent! feedback is, as always, very much appreciated!


End file.
